Elevators, explored

A tongue-in-cheek look at the different types of people who use the one thing that we definitely don't miss while working from home - the office elevator

Oct 02, 2020

October is here and it has been more than six months since the lockdown began and we have been working from home. As the days progressed, the outlook towards the situation has changed. It started off with everyone finding time to work out, picking up hobbies, showcasing culinary skills on Instagram, now that we didn't have to spend time stuck in traffic five days a week. Six months in and our days have turned into a pandemonium of managing incessant Zoom calls, a messed up work-life balance and an urge to just step out of the house, only for the fear of the virus to keep us indoors.

It's finally dawned upon us that that the little things matter - things that we have taken for granted all along. Sharing the pav bhaji your boss gets in his lunchbox. The buzz of people in office constantly on phone calls with their almost invisible Bluetooth earbuds making you wonder why they are talking loudly to themselves. The chai breaks with colleagues. The Friday evening beer with your team. Discussing the previous night's cricket match at the beginning of an important meeting. Or who wore what at the Cannes Film Festival.

We're clearly missing out on a lot of these now - your mileage may vary. But I'm pretty sure there is one aspect of office life that we definitely don't miss. The office elevator. Most of us work in skyscrapers where the quantity and speed of elevators always fall short of our expectations. A slow, crowded elevator early in the morning feels almost like waking up on the wrong side of the bed. So let us looks at some anecdotes and revisit the different types of people who use the office elevator.

The Queue-Breaker
You know that sinking feeling when you turn the corner and enter the elevator lobby and the first sight you see is of men and women behaving like ants jostling for space around a sugar cube. Where the concept of geometric shapes goes straight out of the window. It all starts with one person who comes with an 'I care two hoots attitude' and decides to stand as he pleases, without paying heed to the queue in waiting. That's just the opportunity everyone needs to activate herd mentality and very soon you have everyone elbowing each other, fighting to be the first to get into the elevator.
The diva
The elevator's greatest use-case even when you're not in it - the giant, shiny, reflective doors that act as your personal mirror. You can blame our heat and humidity and crowded local trains but more often than not, you end up reaching your office looking as if you had had a fist-fight on the way - dishevelled hair, clothes all over the place, streams of sweat running down the nape of your neck. Enter the diva and the diva's rescuer - the elevator doors. Tuck in your shirt, adjust your dupatta, give your hair a little touch-up, see if your mascara is still on point and try to figure if last night's biryani has added a few inches to your belly fat - all in full view of the other people waiting for the elevator along with you.
Employee upstairs, Bouncer downstairs
The diva is often accompanied by the bouncer - the guy that restrict your entry at the pub when you have pre-boozed beyond your limits. The pub bouncer and the elevator bouncer share the same characteristics - large frame, stone-faced and stand right at the door, blocking entry and exit. The sole purpose of this elevator bouncer is to ensure he is the first one to get in, even before people in the elevator alight. Imagine you are in an elevator waiting to get out and as soon as the doors open, you have a giant blocking your path, staring at you as if you have just committed a crime.
First in, first out
Then there are people who let their elevator etiquette be ruled by this simple accounting principle. As soon as you get in, stand right next to the door. How else do you ensure you are the first to get out? To hell with the politeness of occupying the farthest corner to ensure everyone gets in and comfortably finds a place. They don't mind being elbowed by every single person that gets in after them because hey, at least they got their spot!
The Bomb Diffuser
Most elevators these days have a 'Close Door' button that overrides the automatic timer for closing the doors. Without a doubt, this is the most abused button on the elevator panel. You should see the way people dive to press the button before someone else enters the elevator - we would be champions if it was an Olympic sport. The worst scene is one where you have just reached the elevator and you see the wicked smile of the person inside as the doors close right in front of you.
In-house David Guetta
You enter the elevator, trying to calm down your mind after braving the 2-hour long commute. And then you hear it - trashy beats of the person using his earphones, even if he is at the opposite corner of the elevator. Not only do you hear the beats and the lyrics, but you can also hear their eardrums crying out in pain as well, as the person is oblivious to the muttering of abuses of people around him.
The investment banker
Are you really busy if you're not on the phone all the time? Even if you're in an elevator? Even when there's no cellular network. "Hello? Hullo? Can you hear me? I can hear you. I'm just entering the elevator but yeah you can talk." Unless there's the Prime Minister on the other side of the line, I don't see a reason why people would still be on a call in an elevator, much to the chagrin of others around them.
Sigh-duck
You have reached office in a local train that has stopped at every station. Or have driven to work on a day where you have stopped at every traffic signal. You finally enter an elevator that is packed with people who have their offices on different floors in the same building. You feel like you have entered a time loop.
Elevator picks up speed - Stops - Siiiiiigh! -Door open chime - Doors open - One person exits - Door close. Rinse. Repeat.
The news anchor
Humans have developed a fantastic defence mechanism to avoid eye contact - staring into the mobile phone. Whether it's just randomly opening and shutting apps, or endlessly scrolling your social media timelines, or staring at your wallpaper burning through your retina - people will risk getting a neck sprain but won't look up to make conversation. But what if your phone has run out of battery? Well, then you become the guy you peeks into others' phones.
I like to call this guy the news anchor - considering the extensive access they have to our WhatsApp chats these days. This guy knows if you are texting your partner or reading a silly joke on a WhatsApp group or watching the latest Netflix series or checking the rate of the shares you bought the previous day.
The eternal optimist
Last, but not the least, you have the eternal optimist - someone who sees the elevator packed to the brim and still tries to negotiate with its occupants to see if they can squeeze their frame into whatever little space there is remaining - even if it means you are losing balance while literally standing on each others' toes.
Bonus: The Bomb Diffuser Part II
Okay here's a bonus. The bomb diffuser of a different kind. The one who reaches the elevator at the last moment while its doors are being shut only to reach out with a swift flick of their limbs to activate the door open sensor. The people inside the elevator are then in a conundrum - do you applaud for the efforts or do you abuse for causing some more delay in the elevator moving along on its way?

Have you noticed these people in your office elevators? Can you identify some more? Do drop a line in the comments section. Until then, wish you some more time away from the dreaded office elevator. Cheers!

Telang Thoughts

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